Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I'm Learning

I'm learning.  I am grateful for that because I can be a hard-headed little sucker.  But, God never gives up on me and He continues to watch over me and send the people and circumstances needed to get through my thick head.

I feel like I'm floating in a sea of uncertainty.  Nothing is sure or guaranteed.  About the time I think I have things figured out, the rug gets yanked out from under me and I know nothing.  Is that good or bad?  I don't like it, I'm not comfortable with change and the unknown.  But, I know God doesn't want me to get too comfortable and stop growing in His understanding.  I admit, I don't understand.  Why am I in this blackness STILL?  The weeks have drifted by and not much has changed.  I recognize the gifts and signs He has sent me to encourage me and keep me going, but the core issue, my depression, still lingers.  I still don't know the right path of treatment.  I still don't know when He will deliver me from this.  I know He WILL, but when?  I'm not good at waiting, I'm not patient, at all.  Is that part of the lesson?  What am I missing?  I pray He will show me what I should be taking from all this.

I am becoming familiar with a Christian author named Carol Kent.  In one of her books she asks if I turn from God, what will I turn to?  What is out there that I can hold on to, if not God?  Nothing.  So, even as I beat my hands on His chest and cry out from anger and frustration and heartache, I am still turning to Him and not away.  That is so comforting to me.  That I can be angry and frustrated and that it's ok.  That He won't give up on me or turn away.  That He understands every thought, emotion and feeling, rational or not.  And let's face it, more often than not they are irrational.

I want to hand over control, but then I snatch it back.  Who am I that I think I can do things better than Him?  But, I admit, I need control.  I need to know all the whys and hows and whens and what ifs.  If I don't, I feel the anxiety rise in my throat and try to choke me.  I push it down and just try to tighten my grip further.  See?  Hard-headed.  When will I learn to loosen my grip instead of tighten it?  When will I learn to let go and lay it at the foot of the cross?  I am trying to let go, even if just for a minute.  Then, maybe, five minutes, an hour, maybe a day?  I pray that He can show me the trust and faith I need to do that. 

So, I praise Him for another day, full of grace and mercy.  I praise Him for the good and beautiful things in my life.  I even praise Him for this trial, this valley I am walking through.  Because I know at the end of this trial I will have learned something.  I will have added to the testimony of my life and the miracles He has done in it.  He and I have already been through so much together and this is no different.  It hurts, it's not fun, but after emerging from the fire, I'll shine a bit brighter.  He won't give up on me, so I won't give up on me either. 

To God be the glory!