I never thought I had a problem with faith. I have experienced the power of miracles, so I never thought that I lacked in that area. My head KNOWS what God can do, anything He wants. I have seen it in my life and in the lives of others. I have seen the unexplainable, the unbelievable, the mind blowing things that the Almighty is capable of and that's just in my finite, little world. My pea sized brain could never wrap around the REAL ability He has to transform things.
But, when in the darkness that consumes me at times, I have discovered that I don't trust Him. I question Him and whether He really will deliver me. Part of the my problem is my lack of patience and my need to know what's going to happen now, in five minutes, tomorrow and next week. I'm a planner. I can't even drive as a passenger in a car without knowing the destination. I want to know that things are in order, that the bills will be paid on time that all the kid's needs are met. I want to know that I have done all I can do to make sure things run smoothly. I, I, I, that's the problem.
So, the fact that God's timing and my timing are not the same, is a hard pill to swallow. I say I trust Him, but in that moment, when it comes down to crunch time, I doubt. I wonder, will He? I feel sad and frustrated that I doubt Him. How can I? I hate to utter the words. How can you not trust God? When I sat down to really think about it, I went back as far as I could remember and I was amazed at the number of people in my life that have let me down, made me not trust them. Not that they meant to hurt me or disappoint me, but we all do it. Even with the best intentions we are all weak and imperfect and each and every one of us WILL at some time hurt someone, lie to someone, betray someone. Most of us don't want to, but it will happen, guaranteed. But God? Maybe His answer is different than mine or His timing is something I don't quite understand, but He has never let me down. The hardest times in my life were perfectly orchestrated when I look back on them now. He knew exactly what He was doing. I wouldn't change a thing because it has all brought me here, to the life I have now. And even though there are valleys that I must go through, on the other side He has given me a gift. A gift of growth, of knowledge, understanding. The gift to come alongside another hurting person and share my experience in the hope of helping them through their valley.
So, my faith, where is it? It is in Him, my Savior and Redeemer. I take comfort that He knows me better than I know myself. That He understands every feeling, every emotion, every thought that I have ever had. He knows my heart and that I love Him. He knows I try my best and that even my best is still imperfect. It will remain that way until I go home to be with Him. In the meantime, I confess when I doubt and pray that He will show me what faith looks like. We are all ongoing transformations that will never be complete until we are in His glory. That's comforting to me. I trust that.